my mind is filled with canoepolo. anyway, this might be my last competition with the girls. unless.....
anyway, i am not thinking of this coming weekend's game. its about something called TEAM. i came across this phrase, Together Everyone Achieves More. Its everyone's effort. I am willing to play for a supportive team. Where the girls cheer for victory together. Where the girls smile and say "hey good shot" or even "hey thats a good game played" . i yearn for this. badly.

i looked at other teams in canoepolo. be it from tp, np, nus or ntu. i saw closeness in most teams. they are bonded. closely. its like they cant survive without each other. and i feel the sense of understanding between them. despite losing games, i admire their strength to carry on in this sport. frankly speaking, they are the true winners. if i were to win, or i should say if my team win any medal in this national champs, all we have gained from this competition is just an object as well as status. nothing more than that. its unlike the previous national champs where i sense closeness in my team. there is pure understanding between each other. this time, we're losing it.

yes, i admit victory is important to me. this is what i train for. and i believe this is the reason for every sports player to continue training hard. i no longer know how to pass my intentions across to the people i still hold on to. i dont know how to make them understand my point. reason being we all have different goals. i thought i'd make a good player in this sports. i thought i could try hard being a good captain. i thought my teammates are the ones i could rely on in games. i thought everyone would understand each other's stand. i thought my decision was right. i thought......

right now, let me get over and get done with this damn national championship. we're just wasting our time every weekend. we're gaining nothing but more problems. my apologies to people i showed attitude to. my apologies to the rude tone gave. my apologies to my juniors for not getting you all understanding the point of my doings. my apologies to my teammates.
people whom i still hold on to... my dear teammates.
sad to say, i didnt live up to the no.1 i wore.
for now, i think theres no point explaining anything. let this season go on and we'll just take a step at a time. trust me, to me, captain is NOTHING but a god damn title which i do not need to live on.

on a lighter note, think i really should appreciate ngee ann's effort for organising this event. they have to be there early to set everything up. they are overall kinda organised. at least the matches do start on time. despite my team's playing schedule this saturday, overall i think everything was alright.

to end off, thank you for enlightening me. thank you, jason.

1 more paper to go and i'll be all to canoepolo, work , friends and him. its like FINALLY! hopefully i wont need to meet corporate finance, investment, banking law and craa again. i've been planning on whats on after exams. there'll be suntanning , trips to sentosa , bbq , shopping , sleeping , eating , clubbing and most importantly, i badly wanna overseas. been considering desaru beach if not KL to shop. dont think will go back to genting. but, i wont mind genting too. haha. after my national champs....

talkin bout national champs, i desperately wanna win! ivp ivp ivp! opens too! but nothing beats ivp. i wanna win ivp! top 3 at least. if my team wins ivp, that medal will be dedicated to tay! without him, dont think i can reach this stage. (: of cos' winning is easy said than done. sp isnt the only institute who wants to win badly. all out to my last ivp!

exams are round the corner. i think i am dying soon. i have not finish studying a single module. i guess this time i am dead. anyway, while lying on my bed just now, i thought of what kinda person i am. (of cos something happened thats why i did it.. )

reflecting on myself, i dont think i played my role well. be it as a daughter to my parents, a friend to my friends, a captain to the canoe team and even a girlfriend to jason. i failed completely in every single role.

as a daughter : i dont really like talking to my parents especially my dad. he seems to complain and make comments over everything on earth. this is what irritates me the most. he nags and shows attitude like he is king of the universe. to him, everything i do seems wrong. so frankly speaking, the respect level is like ..... ??

as a friend : on the surface, i seems to mix well with many people. be it my classmates, outside friends and even my teammates. but deep down, i aint close with many. we're neither here nor there. few weeks back, a friend told me that i am those who will only look them up when i have no boyfriend with me. how true is this?? well, u aint the first person who made such comment. i remember back in secondary days, 2 of my closest friends told me the same thing.

as a captain : i dont like the idea of asking people if they are going for training or even forcing them for training. i looked at the situation of the girls team and i did nothing to revive it. its so separated. everyone drifted. we're not bonded closely as a team should be. theres still unlikings here and there yet i cant do anything bout it either. many say that sp girls gonna lose the title for sure. and i agreed. i didnt fight back for the girls cos i believe deep in their heart, they feel so too. winning is easy to say but hard to achieve. i want to win badly too but i just cant.

as a girlfriend : i guess this is the role i played worse. seems like i am nothing but disappointment. time after time of forgiving, i still disappointed him. it always have to end up in the situation of forcing himself to swallow the big news and forgive. he always say he doesnt have a choice. he has, but i am glad he didnt choose it. i really dont know how to build the trust again. 5 alphabets .... yet so difficult to manage. i too wanna find someone whom i can invest all my trust in and live with forever. i found him. but to him, he felt his investment gave him no returns. instead, disappointment. i cant disagree.

i am glad that till this point they are still holding on to me. friends family teammates and jason.
sorry.

i must be dumb with my actions. i must be damn insensitive. for all the dumb things i did, i am glad i was forgiven. especially by you.

i'll always be by your side. i love you jason tay!

just realised that i dont have jason's picture on my blog. haha.. my lil boy is serving the nation now. i haven seen him in like..... 2 weeks? i told noone how much i miss u lil boy. yes, i miss u that much. that that that much. i am beginning to feel more sure about us. yes, i am quite sure you're the one.

on the day of enlistment

finally out.

reporting back again.

what a short weekend we had. we havent talked for the past week. thanks to ns. i miss u mr j. :)

some random pictures from my folder:

phuture

my family :)

thats all.. will update again.